


Lesbians beat up Hitoshi-san: the fic

by Lumi_Pastelmoon



Category: Nyan~ Neko Sugar Girls, Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Hypnotism, Kidnapping, Other, Polygamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:42:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26457358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumi_Pastelmoon/pseuds/Lumi_Pastelmoon
Summary: nyan desuuuuuuuuuuu...... a shocking + thrilling adventure desu!!!!!!!!!! come for the elegant prose, stay for Koneko-chan marrying Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'. uwu owo uwu owo
Relationships: Hitoshi-san/Raku-chan (Nyan~ Neko Sugar Girls), Koneko-chan/Firestar, Koneko-chan/Raku-chan (Nyan~ Neko Sugar Girls), koneko-chan/reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 1





	Lesbians beat up Hitoshi-san: the fic

‘Twas a dark and stromy night. Konko-Chan was slepping soundly in her bed. SUdden, door is opening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who it is????????????????????????????????

RAKU-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Raku-chan???????” gasp Konko-chan gaspily in a gaspy voice. “I was doing a think that you were the big dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But clearly you are aliving right now, here, in this very room, which you are currentloy in at the moment which is happening?????????????????????? what desu. how desu. nandesu car desu."

"ya." said raku-chan. "watashi wa totes alive desu. Totemo Surprisingu Desu."

"但你怎么没死了？” 问ed Concord-chan.

"因为 watashi wa ironu-manu desu. But don't tell people. is a secret."

"ni shi……………… 你是robot先生吗？？？？？"

”对啊desu了。desu."

"robot-chan-xiansheng-señor-sama. what. oh em jee. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. wai iz mai fren suddenleigh a rowboat."

"u c, after i deddo-ed (deddo means ded in japanesu, desu nee) i un-deddo-ed (deddo means ded in the japanguage) bc hitoshi-san (hitoshi-san mean mr. big cool man in french but also in japanese uwu. btw rake-chan can speak japan cause she iz japan. yeehaw desuy.} rlly rlly ai-ed 我 like a lot like a whole lot like it wus kinda a creppy amount cuz he reanimated me which iz kinda clingy but whatevs tbh. (geddit cause they are animated it is a pun geddit cause like yeah. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (thats u laughing uwu dats da sound u make wen u read my rad pun. kawaii desu了.) enny-weigh so im not ded anymore ooh woo. Yeigh."

"quelle DESU" (it means what in french uwu i am very language…….. yea"

said konko-chan.

"yeah u keep saing wat. like all the time. idk y bc i explained very clearly that i am zombie now but also iron man. like if iron man was a zombie but like cooler."

"It's been sixty yaers, Rock-chan………… "

"oh so dats y ur old now. haha RIP. anyway we r gonna kiss now."

(and then they kissed uwu. ROMANCE

"that was rad" said william the conqueror-chan.

"ikr lol. we r lesbians now bc i said so uwu and i am god now as well as zombie iron man and also british."

"oh ok. what about hotsauce-san????? i thought u were in l'amour with him. (l'amour means 愛  
in English.)"

"haha yeah maybe but then i realised……… his hair is way too blue. And that doesn't fit my aesthetic. and u have red hair which is kinda hot ngl."

"oh yea that seems reasonable."

"anyway he was mad that i didn't wanna marry him and be his zombie iron-man robot british god spouse. That's why he set your house on fire just now while we were doing a big kiss (the sound that the kiss made was BLEEEERGHUAUUUUUU so pls imagine that sound when u imagine the kiss in your head. pls thx.)."

"o so dats wai my house iz on fire. i thought it was cuz i was so hot hahah jk jk unlessu."

"BAKA!!!" said radish-chan, slapping him with a raw fish. "rawr XD."

":3" said koneko-chan, whose face was being eaten by the fish now uwu. but raku-chan loved her anyway bc their love was stronger than the fish. and also apparently stonger than the fire cause neither of dem were burned alive yet uwu owo hahahhahha.

"yeh about dat." said raku-chan. "letsu go. if u dont wanna be grilled fish."

"i liek grilled fishu". said konk. "but i dont wan u to be burned alive cause that's not kawaii (thats pronounced car-why btw, i know cause i'm japan. im from capital of japan, washington DC.) so maybe u should leave da burning building out of the conveniently placed fire exit to your left that u can exit out of when there is a fire because that's what it's for which is why it's called a fire exit cause its there in case of a fire if a fire happens in this building where the fire exit is when there is a fire. yee."

"arent u comin w/ moi????"

"nah cause i'm gonna sacrifice my life 4 u to prove our love了."

"yee ok. can u sing a sad song while ur dying??? i think it would be more 非常特别kawaii极了 that way."

"yeah ok." 

\+ he started to sing rock-chan's fav song and roach-chan almost cried but not actually cuz they didnt wanna stain their kawaii sugoi sandowichi eyeliner. so here is da song That konbini-chan sang.

"你是。。。我的火。我唯一的。。。。desire*……. 我说“我要这样做”的时候，你应该相信我说的话。啦啦啦啦etc etc."

*idk what da spanish word for desire is cause i'm not a vegetarian but if u know it u can pretend that dat's what she sang uwu. we stannu multilingual lesbians in this householdu.

"NOOOOOOOO dont sing dat song u will summon He."

At that very moment, the shattering of glass pierced the silence ( it wasnt actually silent cause raku-chan was screaming cause he was on fire and koneko-chan was singing a song by the b*c* s*r*e* b*y* which i have 2 cenmsor cause da canadian government will get me 4 copyright infringement otherwise. you know how it is. and also there were fire noises like WOOOOOOSH and ｐｏｐ ｐｏｐ ｐｏｐ.). Anyway the glass broke because Hitoshi-san pole-vaulted through the window!!!!!!!!! he was wearing:

really cool sunglasses  
a bathrobe with flames on it  
a ballgown made of the blood of his enemies  
the blood of his enemies made out of a ballgown  
trousers

(pick one cause this is a choose your own adventure story.)

"oh frick oh heck" said roxanne. "aaaaaaaaa."

"Begone foul demon!!!!" cried whatsisface. hecing uh…….. hecking koneko-chan. Yeah see I remembered it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heheh im genius/. "how darest thee cometh into mine owne humble abode and threaten mine own humble zombie iron-man robot british god spouse who also looks like karen gillan cause this is an au where everyone looks like karen gillan. cause i like karen gillan." (she said all that)

"nya" said hotsauce-san. (he rlly said that im not making it up that's what he said don't shoot the messenger im too kawaii desu to be shot. i mean if u rlly want to sure nobody's stopping you but it's my preference to not be shot right now. you understand, right?????? it's just my opinion. k that's all.)

"oh well when u put it like that" said raku-chan, and LEAPED INTO HIS TOTEMO MUSCULAR ARMS!!!!!!

"no" said koka-kola-chan. "no. not my wife. oh no. i am in distress and things."

"I have hypnotised your wife; nya rawr." said Hitoishi-san. "now he's my wife; nya rawr; and there isn't like a looot you can do about it????? like i guess you can do a bit but not much. like my hypnosis is pretty powerfull ngl. it's cause i'm a 天使; nya rawr. (天使 means sodium in klingon. haha i know im a nerd X3. im not like other girls im nonbinary and i use they/them pronouns and if u respected that in any of tha comments u leave on this fic i'd be rlly happy actually and it would make my day. not joking. NYA RAWR)" 

(oh btw he didn't rlly say the part in brackets, i said that cause im the author which is like being god but more powerful cause i can spell miscellaneous and hypochondriac. and god sucks at spelling. itz canon.)

And then the sexy manbeast hitoshi-san leapt out of the sexy window from whence she came. the window was sexy cause koneko-chan had drawn raku-chan's face on it in permanent marker about thirty years ago cause she's gay haha. Anyway koneko-chan sucks at drawing (CANON) but she's cute (CANON) so it doen't matter. canon.

"oh frick oh heck oh bother." said Koolaid-chan. "nein desu. this is bad. it is not good. in fact it is the opposite of good, which is why i said it was bad earlier, cause bad is the opposite of good. #the moar u kno."

koolaid-chan was very 'telligent. they subscribed to all da latest scientifick journals. Suddenly the realisation of all that they had lost hit them like a rolling wave.

"NOOOOOOO" said koneko-chan. "WAI DID U LEAVE ME RAKE-CHAN??????????? I LOVED U EVEN THO U WERE BR*TISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"haha gay" came a faint voice from outside the window. it was Y/N.

"Y/N??" said Koneko-chan. "What are you doing outside my window?"

"[REDACTED]" said Y/N.

"Oh." said K-mart-chan. "That's….. disturbing, but I'm willing to look past it if you're willing to help me find my missing husband, who has been kidnapped by the sexy manbeast hitoshi-san."  
"I didn't know you had a husband, :'(" said Y/N. Their voice sounded like a voice and their hair looked hairy.

"yee we got married like earlier when the house was on fire. oh hockey-sticks, the house is still on fire. that's a little inconvenient. anywaaat~ i forgot what her name was but yeah i do have a husband. um…. I know ur like, secretly in love with and stuff, and yeah, RIP 2 u, but like….. get over it, i guess??? idk hahah. maybe go get your nails done or whatever it is people do."

Y/N whispered the ancient volcano magic which sounded like "ASDFGHJKJHGFdsdfghjkjhgfcdxsdFTYUYTRERTYUIOIUYTREWERTYUIJHGFGHJNMIIKLOIUYTRDXCVBNMjhgfdsertyughjkhngdfghsjiuxhgh".

it made the house not be on fire anymore cause volcanos are famously rlly good at making things not be on fire. uwu.

"oh thx, that makes me feel kinda bad about rejecting u a couple seconds ago, but you still smell kinda bad so not rlly. but kinda. but not rlly tho."

bet this is the most realistic fanfic you've ever read.

Okay so my friend said i needed character introductions so here they are: 

Koneko-chan:

Aliases: Konko-chan, Concord-chan, William the Conquerer-chan, Konk, Konbini-chan, Koka-Kola-chan, Koolaid-chan, K-mart-chan etc.

Fun facts:  
Was born without glasses  
Has a degree in something really useful, like Canadian ballroom dancing  
Is covered in maple-syrup at all times  
Killed a man, but not an important one.

Raku-chan:

Aliases: Rock-chan, Radish-chan, Roach-chan, Roxanne

Fun facts:  
Changes into a pineapple every full moon  
Hates gay people  
What does "ubiquitous" mean?  
Nya XD

Hitoshi-san

Aliases: Hotsauce-san, "Sexy Manbeast Hitoshi-san"

Fun facts:  
Japan desu  
Loves popular Korean boyband the b*ckstr**t b**s  
Rootin' biceps  
Tootin' abs  
Popular YouTuber

Y/N

Aiases: Y/N

Fun facts:

[REDACTED FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS]

Okie back 2 da story now!!!!!!!!!!! yeehaw desu.

Uuuuuh so i forgot what was going on. lemme go check. Oh ok so kokaine-chan and Y/N are teaming up 2 go find Rollerskate-chan and maybe save the world in the process???? idk yet i didn't storyborad this. So they are walkin' through a spoooooooooooooky woooky fowest and there are EVIL PENGUINS hiding behind the trees; uwu. Therefore, Koneko-chan sees a scary pengwin and jumps in Y/N's arms out of FEAR!!!!!!!!!!

"uwu ur so close koneko-chan……. let's kiss and things."

"ALAS, for I cannot!!!!!!! I am MARRIED to Root-Vegetable-chan!!!!!!!!!"

"being married never stopped you before :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((" said Y/N.

Koneko-chan posed dramatically, remembering her tragic backstory.

THIS I(S A FLASHBACK, WHICH MEANS IT IS ABOUT THE PAST. THIS IS NOT IN THE PRESENT. IT IS IN THE PAST. IT IS ALSO NOT IN THE FUTUTE. OK HERE WE GO:

'twas a dark and stormy night. Koneko-chan was totes married. She had met her spouse, whos name was: YWEN (your worst enenmie's name), while ballroom dancing in canada. They had a four month long wedding, which sounds excessive but isn't, because they were getting VERY married. 

Then, Y/N appeared and everything changed. Koneko-chan and Y/N began a long and sordid affair involving field hockey and copious amounts of alcohol. When YWEN found out, he was all like "stop seducing my wife", and Y/N was all like "no thanks" and then world ended but that's not entirely relevant to this story. Anyway, all you gotta know is that YWEN died under mysterious circumstances involving popular actor Chris Hemsworth and Y/N disappeared forvever except not really.

Flashback end  
"uwu, that flashback was so enlightening," said Y/N said. "I know everything now!!!!"

because they knew everything now, they now knew the location of Hitoshi-san and Raku-chan. 

"To find Hitoshi-san, we just have to-"

"Helo!!!!" came a funky voice, interrupting Y/N. "I'm Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'."

"OMG DESU!!!!!!!!!!" cried koneko-chan. "Are you Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'?????"

"That's right!!!!" said Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'. "I am indeed Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'."

"Did I just hear that you were Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'?????" asked Y/N.

"You heard right!!!!!! I'm totally Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'."

here's a description cause someone told me my fic didn't have enough descriptions. Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats' was big, round and orange. He was wearing a tuxedo and a pink gas-mask. He looked suave as h*ll. (that says hell but im not allowed to swear. im a christian.)

"That's really rad!!!!!!!!" said kale-chan. "do u kno whair mai waif and hitoshi-san are?????"

"I was gonna tell you that!!!!!!" said Y/N, "but Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats' interrupted me!!!!!!"

"i'm mad at u, Y/N," said Koneko-chan, cause she was mad at why/en. "show more respect to Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'!!!!!!!!"

"im gonna strom off rlly rlly ongrily," said Yeen, storming off rlly rlly ongrily. steam came out of their ears cause uh das what ha[[ens when ur mad. it is. i kno cause im always in a state of mild rage. uwu desu.

"Nyan desuuuu!!!!!" said koneoko-chan, distressily.

"rawr rawrrrr" said Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'. "dont worry about THEM, u have me now!!!!!!!!!"

and then koneko-chan and Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats' kissed passionately. 

"that's gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" came a faint whisper from the distance. it sounded like y/n but i dont rlly care who it was. u can pretend it was ur mum if u want, idc. pls present this fanfiction to her as a beautiful mother's day gift. your welcome.

"hhey baby" said Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'. "where u wanna go???"

"I feel llike maybe i was doing something important before but i suddenly forgot all about it when i looked into your sexy beastbeast eyes….." said korn-chan.

"ok well lets get married den."

"ok yeah sounds good."

so theygot married and it was all cute and stuff and everyone cried. of happiness. and also fear. after that they hugged and stuf. it was rlly gross tbh. ewwww. 

"im so hapy we got married, baby" said Koneo-chan.

"hahaha i only married u to steal ur inheritance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gonna slay u with my sword now, brb ttyl."

"is that a metaphor?????? ;-)"  
"NOOOOOOOOO EWWWWWWWW COOTIEEEEEES NOOOOOO i actually have a sword + im gonna stab u with it rn actually."

and uh so like Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats' stabbed koneko-chan, and koneko-chan died. F. RIP. Condolences.

JK JK ACTUALLY HE LIVED!!!!!! plus then grabbed Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats''s sword and stabbed Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats' with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT TWIST BABYYYYYYYYYYY WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. nyan. SHE STABBED HIM RIGHT IN DA TUXEDO@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats', was finally totes dead, uh…. Koneko-chan finally remembered about y/n and high-tea-san and Roger-chan, and he WEPT. but not for vry long. but it wus vry moving anyway haha.

(oh and also btw Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats' was secretly YWEN all along. haha surprise. Shakespeare who????? idk him.)

oh so koneko-chan set out to find yeen and they found them rlly quicky cause they left a trail of big sighns saying "Y/N went this way!!!" "Go this way to find Y/N!!!!!!!!!!!!" and "nightcore music is scientifically proven to chew carrots" which led to their secret lair which was a big house in the shape of a boot. its a metaphor. not gonna tell u what for tho, hahahahahahahahahaha

(itz a metaphor for the degradation of society as a whole under the crushing boot of capitalism. jk jk unless uwu,)

"Yeen!!!!! i'v come back 4 u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-koneko-chan????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Y/N, Y/Nedly.

"yee dat iz I. Desu. nya rawr. 你好想我吗？？？？？？？？"

"not rlly haha. wut do u want???? i hate ur guts actually but im also in 爱 with u haha."

"gay. where is sexy manbeast hitoshi-san and that other one????? idk if im married to them or not anymore, kinda a lot hoppened, 哈哈哈哈哈。"

"glad u asked. dey are in ur house rn, doing unexcusable thingz like holdin handz and performing successful surgeries on cancer patients."

"WE GOTTA GO RN!!!!!!!! OMG DESU!!!!!!!!!"

"ok yeah but ill only show u wher they r if u agree to marry me n stuff."

"i already kno wher they are cause u just told me thayre in mai house n ofc i kno wher my house is hahahahahah do u think i'm baka desu???????"

"yeah i kinda do haha"

then they kissed fervently and passionately and walked off to go find koneko-chan's house WHILE HOLDING HANDS (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! desu了.)

when dey got 2 da house kneko-chin wuz all like "put ur handz up, baka hitoshi-san!!!!!!!" and he put hiz handz up cuz hes a food + a coward hahah.

"omg r u gonna let me join ur hot lesbian harem haha????" hitosh-sin aksed.

"nah," sed Koneko-chan, and kneed him in the brain-basket.

"yeet," said Raku-chan as Hitoshi-san was bleeding out on the floor. "im cured uwu owo qwq omo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! um so like can i join ur hot lesbian harem?????"

"idk maybe" said Y/N

"ofc u can!!!!!!!!!!!!! u r my beautiful zombie iron-man robot british god spouse. pls ignore that i got married to like 3 other people while trying 2 look 4 u."

Those 3 people were:  
Firestar, a character from the popular book series 'warrior cats'  
Björk  
UR MUM!!!!!!!! (another cameo for if ur gonna show her this rlly good + wholesoe fanfic. hi y/n's mum. bet u wished i was ur child instead cuz im so great hahah but no unfortunately im taken. your loss.)

"thatz ok, polygamy is my aesthetic," said Raku-chan and they all got married and it was rlly nice. and hitoshi-san wasnt invited (he was also secretly YWEN btw betcha didnt see that coming. GOD MY WRITING IS SO GOOD. CANT BELIEVE U HAVENT DIED OF HOW GOOD IT IS YET> I DIED LIKE 3 TIMES WHILE WRITING IT, THATS HOW GOOD IT IS.)

THe end uwu nya.

**Author's Note:**

> nyan desuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!! thx 4 reading, nyan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! desu. you are..... my fiiiiiiiiire my one........ desiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire.
> 
> its a mess but its a sexy mess.


End file.
